When I went in for our 12 week ultrasound, I found out that God had taken our baby back at almost 10 weeks. I carried the baby until I was almost 15 weeks along. I grieved hard for those two weeks I knew the baby wasn't alive, but I know God is faithful and merciful despite my sorrow and pain. Sin brought death into the world, but in God's sovereignty and justice He chose to bring that baby back to Himself. He is good. He is kind. He is loving.
I think it's important to point out that even in this pain, God granted several mercies that we were worried about. First, the baby came out intact. We had something to burry rather than being left wondering if it simply broke down, which happens. Second, the baby came when it wasn't Abby's birthday (24th), and before Sean left on a work trip. Third, we didn't have get it sucked out at the doctor's. This would have felt like an abortion, which would have added a lot more stress. These were incredibly important to us, and we are so grateful they all worked out.
My heart breaks within me. That little baby was such a miracle to be here. Even within the short 9 1/2 weeks it was alive, it was immensely loved and cherished. This baby will have a childhood I will never experience, and I grieve that. But this baby is at the feet of Jesus loving Him and being loved on by Him. God's graces and mercies are sometimes strange, yet they are good; they are perfect: James 1:17-18 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the Word of Truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created."
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2
Sometimes I get into a "superman" complex with my birth children. When I had Mikayla, I thought "No one can take her from me, she is mine. The state has no power over this baby." But the state is not the ultimate authority, God is. "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins," James 4:13-17. "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain, you rise up early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat--for He grants sleep to those He loves. Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him," Psalm 127:1-3.
God is the giver of all. We like to go around boasting that it is by our goodness or obedience that we have come "this far," but it is all due to Him and His grace and for His glory and our joy.
Every child given is a gift, a heritage, a reward. God allowed my womb to bring forth life for 9 1/2 weeks, but then I was this baby's resting place for 5 1/2 weeks. I never thought my role as a mother would be a tomb for her baby, but God's thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are His ways my ways (Isaiah 55:8). He allowed us to see the baby born fully intact and it is a beautiful, sweet little shell who's perfect soul is worshipping our Savior in Heaven.
We choose a life verse for all of our children. Salem Lael's is 1 Samuel 1:27-28a- "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give to the LORD. For his whole life He will be given over to the LORD."
"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the Name of the LORD," Job 1:21.
Sean wanted to add an article from one of his favorite authors on this subject for anyone interested in the problem of pain concerning children.