Chronicling the joys and challenges of fostering and adopting.

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Sunday, February 16, 2014

A Mother's Loss

"A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me."
 ~Jody Landers
An amazing foster mommy and friend posted this quote on her page the other day, and it resonated with me. Especially the "magnitude of that tragedy" part.
Lately I have been grieving the loss of a mother. The mother of my children. 
That may sound odd to some, but it makes so much sense to me. My children's mothers are missing out on so many special, wonderful, beautiful moments. Moments that can never be recaptured or redone. A baby's first smile. A hand hold. Calling me mommy for the first time. An amazing teacher conference. Learning to tie their shoe for the first time or ride a bike for the first time. A child learning to read or draw hearts or spell and write. These are the moments that are stored away in a mother's heart that make being a mommy so priceless. 
I am grieving for their moms who have not witnessed these moments. My children are so amazing. They are precious and they are beautiful. Their mom's don't get to be with them and that hurts my heart for them so much. 
To take a step back to when I first became a mother, I had to decide whether to continue on the course of becoming a teacher or chose a different degree. Abby would've been born when I was student teaching. I could postpone that degree for one semester, but after that I would have to continue on. It was such a difficult decision. I thought for certain that God had called me to be a teacher, but then we got pregnant with Abby at~what I thought~was precisely the wrong time. I had to reassess what God had called me to do. I fought night and day over this decision, and a very wise woman, my mommy, told me something that has changed my life forever. She said, "You can always go back to school to become a teacher, but you can never get those moments back with Abby as a baby." That was it. I decided to finish my Bachelor's Degree in English Literature so that I could stay home and be a full time mommy with Abby. I have loved it. Of course there are days where I need to get away from my kiddos, but I could not not be with them.
That is why my heart grieves for these moms. These moms, who for some reason, cannot be in their children's lives right now. Mothering is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but it is also the most rewarding. 
I have been crying what seems like non-stop the past few days for these moms. Thinking about how their children don't get to be with the one who birthed them, and thinking about how the one who birthed them doesn't get to be with my child. God has not orchestrated things to be like this, but how Sovereign, Awesome, and Gracious is He that He enabled me to be their mom today. I am so humbled by the fact that He loves ME so much to give me these kids. Not only does He let me serve Him in the capacity of mothering them, but He LOVES me. He is delighted by me. I am blown away by Him. 
To the moms of my kids, I am so sorry for your loss, but I want you to know how much I love your babies. I will pray for you continually so that you may know the Father's love in an intimate and life-changing way. That you may know you are desired and wanted by Him. I pray that these children will have impacted and changed your life in such a way that they draw you to see the awesome Savior. He is so so good, and I can't wait for you to know that one day.