It's Been a Pretty Rough Go Lately...

As some of you know, our family has doubled in less than a year from a family of three to a family of six. On December 20, 2012 God added two sisters to our family. On December 6, 2013 God added a baby boy to our family.

I'm tempted to ask God what He was thinking doing that, but I can't question God's character. He does not make mistakes.

With that being said, this newest addition and transition has been physically exhausting. This baby seems to have gotten every little baby sickness possible, all while throwing up the majority of his food during the day just to not be able to sleep at night because he's tired and in pain.

On top of that, our poor sweet girls have had to go through more emotional trauma that would break any normal persons heart completely. But God made our girlies resilient. Either way though, it's been tough emotionally to handle the stress that has come from their trauma.

After four months of these difficulties....I think I finally broke.

I felt lost, abandoned and alone. I had no clue why God would be putting us through these trials.

The weight felt unbearable.

And then I read Psalm 66: 5, 8-12

"Come and see what God has done, He is awesome in His deeds toward the children of man . . . Bless our God, O peoples; let the sound of His praise be heard, who has kept our soul among the living and has not let our feet slip. For you, O God, have tested us; You have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; You laid a crushing burden on our backs; You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance."

This encapsulates everything that we are feeling right now. There is a crushing burden placed on our backs. We are being pushed through fire and water. YET, despite of it all, God has, and will continue to, bring us to a place of abundance.

Sean and I have been talking so much lately about this crushing burden we've been asked to carry. I'm not always sure why, but after reading these verses, we are so honored and so loved  that He would choose to test us. To try us. To refine us for His holy purpose. I am so honored thinking that He has chosen us to love these littles who are the least of these. Who everyone else might give up on. Yet God has given them to us because He knows we won't give up. He will bring us to the place of abundance because of the testing and refining He has put us through.




P.S. If you would like to donate to our foster care agency, you can go here.

A Mother's Loss

"A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me."

 ~Jody Landers

An amazing foster mommy and friend posted this quote on her page the other day, and it resonated with me. Especially the "magnitude of that tragedy" part.

Lately I have been grieving the loss of a mother. The mother of my children. 

That may sound odd to some, but it makes so much sense to me. My children's mothers are missing out on so many special, wonderful, beautiful moments. Moments that can never be recaptured or redone. A baby's first smile. A hand hold. Calling me mommy for the first time. An amazing teacher conference. Learning to tie their shoe for the first time or ride a bike for the first time. A child learning to read or draw hearts or spell and write. These are the moments that are stored away in a mother's heart that make being a mommy so priceless. 

I am grieving for their moms who have not witnessed these moments. My children are so amazing. They are precious and they are beautiful. Their mom's don't get to be with them and that hurts my heart for them so much. 

To take a step back to when I first became a mother, I had to decide whether to continue on the course of becoming a teacher or chose a different degree. Abby would've been born when I was student teaching. I could postpone that degree for one semester, but after that I would have to continue on. It was such a difficult decision. I thought for certain that God had called me to be a teacher, but then we got pregnant with Abby at~what I thought~was precisely the wrong time. I had to reassess what God had called me to do. I fought night and day over this decision, and a very wise woman, my mommy, told me something that has changed my life forever. She said, "You can always go back to school to become a teacher, but you can never get those moments back with Abby as a baby." That was it. I decided to finish my Bachelor's Degree in English Literature so that I could stay home and be a full time mommy with Abby. I have loved it. Of course there are days where I need to get away from my kiddos, but I could not not be with them.

That is why my heart grieves for these moms. These moms, who for some reason, cannot be in their children's lives right now. Mothering is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but it is also the most rewarding. 

I have been crying what seems like non-stop the past few days for these moms. Thinking about how their children don't get to be with the one who birthed them, and thinking about how the one who birthed them doesn't get to be with my child. God has not orchestrated things to be like this, but how Sovereign, Awesome, and Gracious is He that He enabled me to be their mom today. I am so humbled by the fact that He loves ME so much to give me these kids. Not only does He let me serve Him in the capacity of mothering them, but He LOVES me. He is delighted by me. I am blown away by Him. 

To the moms of my kids, I am so sorry for your loss, but I want you to know how much I love your babies. I will pray for you continually so that you may know the Father's love in an intimate and life-changing way. That you may know you are desired and wanted by Him. I pray that these children will have impacted and changed your life in such a way that they draw you to see the awesome Savior. He is so so good, and I can't wait for you to know that one day.