A Few Observations

A few weeks ago, M, our latest foster placement, went home. This is the first time we’ve had one go home, and it’s been frustrating. From our perspective, she is going home into an unsafe situation. What’s more, they removed her so suddenly, that they essentially re-traumatized her and her siblings by re-enacting their initial removal. We had 2 hours notice, and her siblings, who are in different homes, had even less. So they had no time to say goodbye to friends or teachers at school or in their neighbourhood. They didn’t have time to say goodbye to grandparents who have similarly become attached. They didn’t have time to process what was going on, and neither did our biological and adoptive kids. They were simply removed again, and this is injustice.

With that said, we have a few observations that I think are important:

1)    We can’t let our own potential heartbreak stop us from serving children: Many people have said that they couldn’t do what we do because they couldn’t handle getting attached to a child and then watching them leave. I totally understand this sentiment. We can’t really handle it either. However, that leaves the child to deal with the trauma on their own, and I don’t think leaving children to their own devices is a better option. These children are going to endure this trauma whether we decide to come alongside them or not. It is up to us to meet them in their suffering, and take some of that anguish upon ourselves so that they don’t have to carry such a load. If you feel you can’t handle it, imagine handling this as a 5-year-old. And if we don’t join in, these kids go to group homes due to home shortages where their trauma compiles.

2)    I’m so thankful we live in a country where it is so difficult for the state to deem you an unfit parent: Honestly, I continuously come back to this thought. How many times have you yelled a little too loud at your kids, or how many times could someone have at least perceived you as taking some punishment too far? Parents don’t have to be perfect (or measure up to your own subjective standard of parenting) to keep their kids or get them back, nor is being poor illegal. In reality, the bar is incredibly low to keep your kids, and this is a beautiful thing. While this doesn’t always work out in the child’s favour, more often than not, it does. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve watched our friends have cases where parents refuse to take part in a treatment plan for months or even years, and at the last minute, they do the bare minimum required, and they get their kids back. While this is frustrating on the surface, it would terrify me to think that the state could easily take my kids and give them to someone else.

3)    God is utterly sovereign: If there is one thing we’ve done that has brought this point home, it’s fostering. In foster care, you lose all control. We are only the foster parents. We’re expected to do what we’re told and when we’re told to do it. The therapist, the case worker, the lawyer, the judge, they all see themselves as professionals, and in many cases, they have no interest in hearing from the adults who are in the trenches dealing with the day-to-day activities with the child. Luckily, we have been able to look back on situations that, at the time, looked utterly hopeless, but have been redeemed in many ways. With that in mind, God has the bigger picture in view, and we are left to trust. And maybe, just maybe, later on we will get to look back on it with 20/20 vision. But for now, we can’t, and that’s okay. Our job now is to do what we can with the time we have to do it. M has left her mark on our family, and I am sure we have left ours on her in some fashion. Our time with her matters, and we can only pray, and pray hard, that things will turn out okay for her in the end.