What a week!
I'll be honest with you all, this has been the most difficult week for me since we've gotten the girlies. After three months of their biological mom not being in the picture, two weeks ago she showed up for her first visitation. Our oldest, A., did NOT want to go. But we had to force her. Court order. I cried and cried as I watched the girls walk away from me and to their bio mom. With their mom not in the picture at all, I truly felt as though I took on every aspect of being their mom. I was raising them from the point of view that they were MY daughters. And these girls were looking to me as though I would be their forever mom.
The past two weeks has changed that. They are now ready to move back with their mom and constantly remind us that we're not their real home. I'm not their real mom. Abby isn't their real sister. This breaks my heart into a million pieces. I keep asking God why He would let things unfold in such a way. And although I have not gotten back a solid answer, I can only imagine He really needed me to love these girls like they were my own. To hold nothing back from them. And that is what I've done. But now my heart is suffering for it.
This week I have been dealing with those emotions, and for about four days I've sulked through it. Sean kept asking me what was the matter, but I don't think I even knew to explain to him. So he got a lot of, "I don't know. I just feel defeated." Hard for a hubby to hear. He couldn't do much because he didn't even know what was going on, but he was still supportive and very hands on with the girls when he was home, but my attitude drained him as well.
To add to the emotions, A. has been having 4-10 meltdowns a day since her visit with bio mom this week. She's perfectly fine one minute, but the next she's a little monster. And then she's great again. We've now (kinda) learned how to handle them (since they have taken on a whole new face than her previous meltdowns), but it is DRAINING! I love this girl so much, and it makes me so upset that the courts would allow children to endure more trauma like this. But this is what it is. And these are the beautiful girls God gave to us. I can't stop loving them, even when they say I'm just their foster mommy, and Abby's just their foster sissy.
After day four of sulking I was able to go to my Bible Study. I honestly can't remember much of what was spoken in the class, but our devotional speaker said Isaiah 55:
"Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. Let them turn to the Lord, and He will have mercy on them, and to our God, for He will freely pardon. For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is MY word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thorn bush will grow the juniper and instead of the briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign that will endure forever."
It was a smack in the face to read that. God is Sovereign and in control, and His plans are NOT my plans. But I will hold tightly to the promise that His Word will not return empty. That these girls are watered and immersed in truth because we pour that truth over them. That instead of turning into thorn bushes they will be junipers. His love will flood into their lives because of us, and I pray they know that love from everlasting to everlasting.